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    驅逐婚姻中的“第三者”

    時間:2018-10-26 17:40:09   作者:網絡   來源:網絡轉載   閱讀:24716   評論:0
    內容摘要:  他們是一對互相忠貞的夫妻,但兩人卻都感覺不到對方的愛。他們的心,到底被什么占據了?    趙曉宇的委屈:他將朋友看得比我重    陳凱是我一位女同學的哥哥,這位女同學經常說:“我最崇拜的是我哥。他是朋友圈里的‘活雷鋒’。”不久,......

      他們是一對互相忠貞的夫妻,但兩人卻都感覺不到對方的愛。他們的心,到底被什么占據了?
      
      趙曉宇的委屈:他將朋友看得比我重
      
      陳凱是我一位女同學的哥哥,這位女同學經常說:“我最崇拜的是我哥。他是朋友圈里的‘活雷鋒’。”不久,我認識了這位“活雷鋒”,我們一見鐘情。
      
      相戀半年后,我們結婚了。婚禮當天,我們本來只預備了十桌酒席,沒想到一下子來了近二十桌的客人,都是陳凱的朋友。他們爭相給我們敬酒,并對我說:“陳凱是個打著燈籠也難找的好男人。”我聽了,心里美滋滋的。
      
      但很快,我就體會到了嫁給一個“活雷鋒”的苦衷。陳凱的手機一天24小時開機,而且會隨時隨地響起,甚至在我們親密的時候也不例外。只要接到朋友求助的電話,他都會立即飛奔趕去。
      
      結婚五年,我們沒有在一起度過一個完整的雙休日。有好幾次,我們本來是計劃出去旅游的,票都訂好了,可因為他朋友有事相求,只好取消旅游計劃。
      
      上個星期三,是我們結婚五周年紀念日。早上起床時,我就提醒他:“早點回家,我們慶祝一下。”可是到了晚上11點多鐘,陳凱才回來,一進門,他就癱坐在沙發上。我故意找他的茬,他不理我,我生氣地朝他吼:“你在外生龍活虎,回家咋就啞了、聾了?”他不耐煩地揮手,說:“你就讓我安靜一會吧,我都快累死了。”說完徑直走進臥室睡覺去了。我氣得一宿沒合眼。
      
      第二天早上,我以為他會向我解釋或道歉,可沒想到他一起床就匆匆出門了。晚上回家仍然很晚,也不和我說話,一連幾天都是這樣。我知道,他準是又給哪位遇到麻煩的朋友幫忙了。可是不管他怎樣熱心腸,總不能這樣忽略我吧?
      
      陳凱的委屈:她嫁的是工作,我不過是她的室友
      
      結婚紀念日那天,我去幫一位朋友照顧他生病的父親了。這事本來沒必要向趙曉宇隱瞞,我之所以沒有告訴她,一是因為我每天忙忙碌碌,懶得和她細說;二是擔心她又指責我多管閑事;還有一個原因,那就是我在和她賭氣,我故意讓她生氣,說得更直白一點,我想報復她。
      
      當然,趙曉宇也沒有什么不好的,我對她的不滿主要源于她將工作看得比什么都重,我在她心里好像沒有任何分量。
      
      趙曉宇是一所寄宿制小學的老師,一天至少有12個小時在學校,一日三餐一般都在學校食堂解決。
      
      偶爾有閑情,我們手牽手出去吃飯。若路上碰到學生家長,趙曉宇一定會停下來,很認真地與人交談,常常一聊就是半個多小時,我站在旁邊覺得很無聊,也很尷尬。
      
      趙曉宇說我的手機是朋友的“110”,那我們家的座機就是她的家教熱線了,家長們打電話總是沒完沒了。
      
      如果說趙曉宇只是偶爾因為忙碌冷落我,我還能接受,可她好像永遠都是不知疲倦地工作,對我的冷暖喜怒不聞不問,我覺得很孤單。我雖然娶了她,可總覺得她像是嫁給了工作,這樣的生活不如單身。
      
      咨詢手記
      
      1、婚姻容不下“第三者”
      
      我們對“第三者”的問題很敏感,一聽這個詞,大家就會警覺,可是當這個“第三者”不是我們平常意義上說的婚外情人,而是以工作、交際、應酬的形式出現時,很多人就覺得無所謂了,于是,這個“第三者”大搖大擺地侵入你們的婚姻,慢慢將配偶的位置擠占,最后只剩下你和“第三者”相依為伴。
      
      陳凱更多的時間和精力是在做“活雷鋒”;趙曉宇也將工作當作了自己生活的軸心,他們的內心被個人的喜好充滿了。可是回到家里,他們卻感到情感上的孤獨,他們審問對方:我在你心里算老幾?但他們卻沒有自省:在我的心里,給對方留了多少空間?
      
      夫妻感情的親密和融洽是需要雙方用心守護和經營的。許多事情都在爭奪你的愛,比如工作、朋友、嗜好、家務、金錢等,一旦他們的位置超過了配偶在你心目中的位置,對婚姻關系是極具破壞力的。正如銀行嚴加看守客戶的鈔票一樣,每一對夫妻也應努力保護好婚姻的核心——愛。
      
      想成為婚姻的好管家,你必須學會加強夫妻之間的聯結,聯結越牢固,外力越不容易侵入。
      
      2、建立親密的兩人世界
      
      我問他們:“你們家里有幾口人?”
      
      “兩口人。”趙曉宇脫口而出。
      
      陳凱疑惑地看著我,他可能猜到我的問題背后有另外的問題。
      
      我說:“我發現你們是一家四口,丈夫、妻子、工作和朋友。當然,也可以說是一家三口,工作和朋友屬于一個角色,都是‘第三者’。”
      
      陳凱馬上抗議:“朋友怎么是‘第三者’?我那些朋友都是家庭觀念非常強的人,他們給我做出了榜樣,而且經常提醒我要多關心妻子,甚至還指導我如何處理家庭矛盾。”
      
      我向他解釋:“朋友當然沒有錯,但你廣交朋友,助人為樂,將朋友的利益看作高于一切的行為已經嚴重影響了你們正常的婚姻生活。”
      
      陳凱點點頭:“以前我還認為我們各有各的喜好和追求挺不錯呢,我甚至還向一位剛結婚的朋友傳授經驗,說像我和曉宇這樣各取所好,避免了很多爭吵。”
      
      “說實話,我倒希望咱們能有一些爭吵,至少這能讓我知道你在想些什么,忙些什么。現在倒好,咱們見面的機會和說話的機會都少了!”趙曉宇感慨。
      
      “你們目前的關系中出現了一段真空。真空既不傳熱,也不導電,因此你們感覺不到愛的溫度。出現真空是因為有不屬于婚姻的東西介入了,造成了隔閡。因此,現在就需要驅逐這個‘第三者’,讓愛在兩個人之間暢通無阻。”
      
      陳凱想了想,說:“多花一些時間交談、溝通,融洽夫妻感情,這的確是我們需要的,我們一定會努力去做。但如果為了婚姻,拒絕朋友的求助,那不是得罪了他們嗎?這會讓我很難受。”
      
      “對于婚姻來說,夫妻關系才是最重要的,其他所有的人或事都只能排在后面。如果把握不好兩者之間的度,婚姻就會受到威脅。”
      
      如何把握這個度,我給他們提出了兩條原則
      
      第一,尊重配偶。下班后和節假日的時間是屬于家庭的,如果要在這個時間加班、會朋友等,必須事先征求配偶的意見。如果受客觀條件制約,沒有事先告訴配偶,那事后一定要誠懇地解釋并道歉。這是為了讓配偶知道,你始終將你們的關系放在第一位。
      
      第二,設立適當的“夫妻時間”。外人、外事、外物對婚姻的干擾是不以我們個人意志為轉移的,但我們卻可以調控婚姻,讓夫妻關系盡量少受那些干擾。設立適當的“夫妻時間”就是一種有效的調控方式。在這個時間段內,要拒絕一切干擾,夫妻敞開心扉地交流。
      
      一個星期后,趙曉宇欣喜地給我打電話,說他們剛剛在一起度過了一個非常愉快的下午。他們關了手機,拔掉了電話線,邊喝茶邊聊天,回憶戀愛經歷,談各自的夢想,談自己讀過的一本書,感覺非常好。


    標簽:第三  婚姻  三者  驅逐  中的  
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